Frozen Surfaces

I am in awe of the beauty outside my office window: a white wintery parking lot; the wetlands glazed over and the heron walking on the surface of the water like a prophet; the men gathering around tailgates sharing stories, preparing to embark on their 2 weeks on the tugs. I sit here in my cold office, feeling quite alone today.

My world feels small right now. I have a wonderful community I am part of and an incredible women’s circle. I cannot remember the last time I revealed my true self in conversation with any of them, other than my mentor. I have a job where everyone seems like a big family, and yet not one of them knows who I am at heart. I have created this whole world which avoids what I fear most in life – interaction with other human beings. Imagine living a life where the simplest conversation required so much effort, and so much worry, that afterwards you feel almost stunned or dazed. It just wipes everything right out of me. Why? It is not that I don’t deeply desire that interaction, I do so much it hurts. I live in a continual state of worrying about what others think of me and I am tired.

I tell you this today because my invocation for the coming year is complete self acceptance. No more hiding who I am. I am who I am and I am OK. I accept that it is difficult for me to engage in dialogue. I accept that I fear interaction. I accept that the only place I feel comfortable revealing this to you is here in cyberspace. I accept that I am so full of worry and anxiety most of the time that I have little energy for anything else. I accept it but I do not like it. I know that I cannot move forward without seeing and accepting these aspects of myself.

From a favorite song of mine:

“There’s a fire at your feet

but you got fire in your belly,
grip your trust between your teeth,

you’re ready.
There’s no way out but through

and somewhere it shifts and you are new
Glossy blue black beautiful
Deep inside
And strong, strong, strong.”

Juliet Wyers "Clear"